What the Bible Says About Divorce

Many of you have written to ask me what the Bible says about divorce and if it's as harsh as you fear. I wrestled with this as well. My motives weren’t always perfect; I wanted my life to line up with God's words simply because I knew I couldn’t afford to alienate the only source of power and love strong enough to get me through divorce. When the stakes are that high, we need our relationship with God to be strong.

Before going into the reasons the Bible gives for divorce, which aren’t nearly as black and white as some may think, I want to tell you the two conclusions I drew from my time with God that helped me the most.

The first concerns this passage from Malachi 2:16 : “‘I hate divorce’, says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.”

Although the Bible says God hates divorce, it does not mean that God hates you, if you are divorced. I came to think about that statement in a whole new way when I went through my own divorce. In fact, after experiencing first-hand the pain and suffering divorce causes, who wouldn’t say: “I hate divorce!”? I hated having my home torn apart. I despised the rejection I felt. I was crushed by the grief and loss my kids went through. Who isn’t? No wonder a loving God who would go to such great lengths to spare us the painful consequences of sin that he even sent his son to die for us, hates divorce! What loving father wouldn’t? The words “I hate divorce” spring from God's compassion, not condemnation.

Second, I came to realize that God valued me more than he valued my marriage. Marriage is instituted by God for people’s protection and well-being. It’s meant to be a safe place that serves the needs God wired into us when he made us: needs for intimacy and union and procreation as well as the need to mature and grow to become more loving people. It’s meant to serve our needs by providing a safe place for us to thrive. We were not created to serve it. It was created to serve us. People are what matter to God, not rule-keeping.

I drew that conclusion from Matthew 12:1-8:

“At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry and began to pick some heads of grain and eat them. [2] When the Pharisees saw this, they said to him, "Look! Your disciples are doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath." [3] He answered, "Haven't you read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? [4] He entered the house of God, and he and his companions ate the consecrated bread--which was not lawful for them to do, but only for the priests. [5] Or haven't you read in the Law that on the Sabbath the priests in the temple desecrate the day and yet are innocent? [6] I tell you that one greater than the temple is here. [7] If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent. [8] For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath."

In other words, God’s mercy trumps God’s laws. You can’t read the gospels and all the accounts of Jesus healing on the Sabbath or fraternizing with the “unclean” and miss that! God’s first priority is to always love people. They rank higher than the institutions or the laws that are meant to protect them. Jesus would never allow someone’s dignity to be crushed so that a rule might be upheld. He is not in favor of marriage (keeping a legal vow) at the expense of someone’s dignity (abuse).

It has helped me to keep the compassionate nature of God in mind when considering the Bible’s accounts of when divorce is permissible. So, finally, here's the reasons the Bible gives for permitting divorce:

When does the Bible say divorce is permissable?

Bible Reason #1: Divorce is permissible in the case of marital unfaithfulness.

“But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” Matthew 5:32

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

The expression, “marital unfaithfulness,” in the original Greek text of this verse, is the word porneia, from which we get the English word, pornography. Porneia referred to sexual sin of any kind--adultery, homosexuality; incest, pornography, etc. The Bible says that behaviors like these are morally wrong. That could also include an emotional affair with someone that includes kissing, hugging or fondling, but stops just short of sexual intercourse. Exactly where the line is that makes divorce permissible is especially hard to find when you consider Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:27-28: “You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' [28] But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Bible Reason #2: Divorce is permissible in cases of abandonment.

“If a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him....But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” 1 Corinthians 7:13, 15

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul originally specified abandonment by unbelievers as the grounds for dissolving a marriage, since some in that church were experiencing rejection by non-Christian spouses. However, abandonment can be perpetrated even by someone claiming to be a follower of Christ. In either case, the one who abandons a spouse breaks covenant faithfulness by failing to “cleave” or “cling to” that spouse—which is the very foundation of marriage (Gen. 2:24).

In the context of I Corinthians 7:15, Paul is referring, specifically, to spouses who are not Christ followers abandoning husbands/wives who are, but the broader principle here is that God allows a spouse who is abandoned—for any reason—to pursue divorce.

Keep in mind that sometimes that abandonment is not a physical relocation, but emotional distance created by an addiction to drugs or alcohol or abuse. Scripture doesn’t encourage divorce for these reasons, but it does allow it.

Obviously, God would prefer that two people work towards a marriage where both parties love and nurture each other, but that takes more than one person’s commitment. In my own case, I cried out to God to heal my marriage until one day God clearly spoke these compassionate words to my heart: “There are some things you can’t change, child.” Accepting that fact became the start of my healing, but it took an awfully long time for me to be able to hear it.

I don’t want to give the impression that God is in favor of easy divorce, or that he takes marriage lightly. Too often, however, Christians have swung to the other extreme, using a narrow interpretation of the Bible to condemn those who are in situations they themselves would not be able to endure. Here’s what Jesus would say to them: Luke 11:46 “Jesus replied, ‘And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.’”

To find out about an in-depth women's study that addresses feelings of guilt, shame and anger, check out Detoured By Divorce: Finding God's way through and beyond. Just click on that navbar at the top of this page.

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