Men! What's a Girl Gotta Do . . .

Part 3: The Warning Signs

By now you may be thinking, “I can see myself in several of the weaknesses you described in Part 2, but I’m trying to think through a pool of molasses. I just can’t be that ‘together’ all the time.” Neither can I. That’s why it helps to have a list of the warning signs. When it comes to dating a married man, I discovered the signs the hard way—firsthand. Here’s what I learned:

Although I felt desired, I did not feel affirmed, valued and honored. In short, my dreams were less important than my body. I know what you’re wondering, “Isn’t that true for all men?” Maybe, but the ones I want to be with will know what it means to be related to an actual human being: they will value me, identify with me, affirm my dreams, and treasure my personhood—as I am, with my shadow side, imperfections and all that makes me an ordinary woman.

I didn’t feel free to voice my questions. Why wouldn’t he tell me his home address or phone number? Why could he only meet me for an hour or so and always after a long meeting? Why did he prefer taking me to lunch rather than dinner? Why didn’t he return any cell phone calls or text messages between Friday night and Monday morning? Initially, he had done just enough to earn my trust, so that when my suspicions were raised, I felt foolish pressing for answers.

Rather than doing the hard work of healing, he wore his hurt like a badge. Although he attended a good church, I never got the sense that he submitted his life and will to God. He was not working on his problems. He had not forgiven those who hurt him. He was not learning and growing. Instead he played repeatedly for my pity. As one author put it, “The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is perversely, an appeal to our sympathy. The explanation is that good people will let pathetic individuals get away with murder. . . ..” Or in this case, adultery.

My gut knew something was “off”. At first I wasn’t interested in hearing their kill-joy deal-breakers. Who wants reality when ecstasy is available? Eventually, though my intuition couldn’t be denied. I had to know the truth. I called the church he attended whose recent address still listed him as married. I checked for the illusive divorce record at the county clerk building. I questioned others about his singleness. No, it wasn’t fun. But I finally had a firm place to stand.

In case your gut needs a tune-up . .

Take this advice from Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door: (No, I’m not saying he was a sociopath, but you may be surprised to learn that one in five Americans ARE!)

• In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on—as educator, doctor, boss—go with your instincts.

• When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the rule of threes: one lie, one broken promise, one neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Three says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affections to a three-timer.

• Suspect flattery. It is the material of counterfeit charm and nearly always involves an intention to manipulate.

• If necessary, redefine your concept of respect. Do not mistake fear, anxiety or awe for respect. Respect should be reserved for those who are strong, kind and morally courageous.

• Remember what is really important: protecting yourself. You may never be able to make your friends or family see why you are avoiding a particular person. Avoid him anyway.

• Question your tendency to pity too easily. Pity should be reserved for innocent people, not those who actively campaign for your sympathy.

• Challenge your need to be polite in all circumstances. Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and calmly to the point.

The problem with honest, decent people is that we don’t expect others to be dangerous or predatory. Since we don’t expect it, we don’t see it even when it’s right in front of us. That’s why I’ve decided to let my light shine, in hopes that the next time you’re deciding whom to trust, my honest illumination will bring you some clarity and keep you off the path of the deceitful. (By the way, you can read Psalm 1 for the many advantages of that.)

To return to Home Page from Men! Part 3, click here.