Love, Sex and the Divorced Christian Woman
I’d just like to admit up front that I don’t have all the answers on love, sex and dating for the divorced Christian woman. Should you seek remarriage? Is it wrong to sleep with someone you love? Will your new guy have to pay for the mistakes of your ex? Should you only date other Christians? I really can’t say, but I can tell you I’ve wrestled with the questions. And I have concluded that no one else can answer them for you. Although plenty of people might think their answer is right, (as in “the ONLY right answer”) ultimately, we are each in charge of our own decisions. And I’ve found it pretty hard to think those decisions through in today’s world. How do you decide what’s right for you?Just try finding unbiased company. Either my friends are married Christians, who are upset because I want to “bend the rules” or secular singles, which have left the church and wanted nothing to do with its archaic hang-ups. Most of them are loving people who never want to see me get hurt again—ever.They mean well. It’s just that none of them live in my shoes. You know what I mean. You know the pain of finding out how clueless other people are to your reality. How alone you are in your decision-making and how doubly-difficult that makes it. So where does that leave the divorced Christian woman who is trying to figure out her life? Too often, alone; grasping to fit in to a society that offers no really safe place to think through her options. The church is too unrealistic and the world is too self-centered.
Is there a “third” way that isn’t limited to either/or decisions?What we need is some neutral ground. Some place in between. In between the rigid moral perfection “Christian” friends seem to demand, and the calloused response the world offers. Both of those leave me joyless. If my only options are “marry” or “burn with lust”, I’ll take neither. I don’t want to be condemned or condoned. I want to live out of that true woman inside who longs for good relationships, who can learn to love and be loved, who lives with more compassion than judgment, and is both fully alive in the depth of her spirituality and her sexuality.And while it seems like this middle ground, this “third way”, would be huge and expansive, it’s felt more like finding the narrow strip of a balance beam. I know because I’ve taken my share of falls. At times being I’ve been so scared of doing it wrong, I jump off and completely stop trying; other times, I’ve tried dancing my own way across, ignoring the perils and utterly lost my balance. But something compels me to keep trying. Something keeps telling me it’s worth getting back on. Despite the wrath of friends who don’t understand, and skeptics who don’t want to see me take any more chances, I keep trying to walk that middle ground. Because in the moments when I have wiggled and wobbled and not fallen off, my life has been the best. Maybe that’s what Jesus meant when he said the road is narrow that leads to real life. It’s not about eliminating the tension, but learning to live in such a way that makes it worth it.
So how should we live?If you find that you are tired of black or white options and that you• Can’t ignore your hormones OR your love for God, • Crave physical intimacy AND a life that pleases God, • Have considered avoiding romance completely to not have to deal with this, then we share this narrow ground together. I guess I wanted you to know you're not alone. For almost 10 years, I’ve tried to embrace the lessons that being both sexual and Christian have brought me. I’ve had periods of dating (which ranged from wonderful to disastrous) and periods of celibacy (which enriched my life or fed my loneliness). Through it all, I’ve laughed, loved and resisted marriage as the “easy” or only answer to my struggle.
So I encourage you to listen to what YOU know to be true. Listen to that self inside who knows what's best for you--that part of you that is always in union with God. And be patient when you get it wrong. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it may be the beginning of treating yourself with the compassion you need. Because I've learned:
Behind Every Strong Woman is Herself.To Return to Home Page from Love, Sex, Divorced Christian click here.
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