Medical Help
for Divorced Women

It isn’t often that you get free medical help, but then it isn’t often that you find a family practice doctor like Dr. Dorothy Jones. Her kindness and compassion are matched by her level-headedness and thoroughness. She’s seen a lot of women (including me!) through the various stages of divorce and has identified the most dangerous points where women balance precipitously on the edge of disaster.

Read her free medical help about women, divorce and depression. Then take the quiz at the end to find out how dangerously you might be living.

What are some of the crucial factors that determine whether or not a woman will make it successfully through divorce?

More than anything, women need a good support system, one that includes plenty of extended family and friends. This helps in several ways: First, it helps her make better decisions. During any stressful time, especially divorce, it’s difficult for a woman to think clearly. Her emotions get in the way and cloud her better judgment. Many women come in for medical help because they can’t think or function during a stressful time. Sometimes they've already made some poor decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives. Medical help isn't enough. A good support system can give her the objective insight she needs to balance her perspective and avoid disaster.

Isn’t that sort of a “catch 22”? It’s a really bad time to be making any major decisions, yet there’s no way through it without doing that!

Absolutely. That’s why I encourage women to only make the decisions they absolutely have to during divorce. It’s not the time to make their lives any more complicated than they already are. I tell them, “Simplify as much as possible.” They need to go easy on themselves.

Why else is a support network so crucial?

It can help limit the devastation. Let me explain. By being involved in many relationships, a woman expands the ways she defines herself. She’s not just a wife. She’s also, a friend, a co-worker, a church member, a daughter, gardener, athlete . . . whatever. By doing this, she remembers that parts of herself aren’t lost in the divorce. She still has goodness and love in her life. Not all is lost.

It’s still easy to feel that way, though. I know I did. That makes me wonder, how much disaster do women create for themselves BECAUSE they’re thinking that way?

Well, it can definitely lead to depression. If a woman fears all is lost, it’s easy for her to withdraw. Then, by being isolated, she jeopardizes losing even more and her life starts a downward spiral. Depression can come on so subtlety that women don’t even realize how low they’ve sunk. If they’re not attuned to other’s input, by the time they seek medical help, they've put themselves at great risk. When they hit bottom, their family does, too.

Then everything comes unraveled.

Yes, and it’s much harder to put it all back together the longer it’s gone unchecked.

That brings up a third reason why a support network is so crucial. A supportive friend can be an advocate when a woman is too strained to speak up for herself. Sometimes, often near the end of reaching a settlement, women get so worn out, they’re tempted to settle at any cost, just to put an end to it. I could tell you plenty of horror stories. That’s when an advocate can step in and say, “No thanks. She’s not going for that. You’ll have to do better if you want this settled now.” Even being around someone who can verbalize that sort of thinking can give a woman the strength to fight for what she needs.

Are some women more naturally fit to rally for success and require less medical help?

Well, if there’s a family history of depression, that can definitely tip the scales against them and should never be ignored. If that's the case, medical help should be considered.

Another huge factor that affects success is whether or not the woman was prepared for divorce. Women fare much worse if divorce came at them out of the blue. If they suddenly have to make a lot of changes in a short amount of time, that’s hard! Everyone goes through it differently, but it’s generally easier on women who are prepared for it. No one, though, should add to their stress by beating themselves up for not doing better than they are.

That brings up a good point. I think women are afraid of admitting to others how badly they’re really doing. Can you address that?

Women need to be around people who can handle their heightened level of emotions. They need safe places to be vulnerable, whether that means a best friend, or a good therapist, family practice doctor, divorce lawyer or spiritual director. Every one of those professionals can play a key role in determining success. Like many family practice doctors, I give a lot of medical help to women whose insurance won’t cover counseling, but I know I can’t be their only source of help.

I get the feeling that medical help is much more than just popping a pill and waiting to feel better.

Absolutely. But when it's indicated, the right medication can help a woman get the other kinds of support she needs.

You can find out more about Dr. Jones and her practice by clicking here.

Now it’s time to find out:
How at risk are you?

2. Is there someone who tells me in a caring way when I seem to be heading in the wrong direction?

3. Are there any decisions I should put on hold until I'm in a better state to decide?

4. Am I able to function in my other roles (as a mom, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, etc.)?

5. Is there a history of depression in my family or origin?

6. Is there someone who can listen to me without judgement? (If not, click here to get information on finding a Spiritual Director .)

7. Who in my life gives me the courage to keep going?

8. Do I have at least one person to whom I can admit all my fears and failures?

9. Am I willing to listen to and consider objective advice regarding my future?

10. Do I have any energy left for caring for others?

Look back over your answers. While often the same few major people will come to mind as key players in your life, you put yourself at risk if they are the ONLY ones. It's a good idea to also have a wide circle of people who care about you and even a few very specific ones if needed (a counselor or spiritual director).

Only you can decide what gaps need to be filled or if it's time to seek medical help. As you objectively look over your answers, ask yourself, "Which area am I really feeling the need to fill? How could I do that?" It might be a group to join, a professional to seek out, or even a medical opinion you need to hear. Don't toy with risk. Be kind to yourself and go after what you need.

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